Change expectations with online dating

EDITOR'S NOTE: Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: I'm interested in your thoughts about online dating. I'm considering giving it a try. Is there still a social stigma attached to it?

-- Washington

Dear Washington: Nah. But there still are the problems it always had, which are: forced circumstances, unrealistic expectations, more opportunities than usual for deception, suppressed consequences for bad behavior.

Not that any of these is unique to online dating, just that it seems to bring them all together in one place -- a place that also happens to attract people who are particularly awkward or vulnerable. Proceed with eyes open.

Dear Carolyn: I agree with all the caveats, but I think it's really important to distinguish the types of interactions one can have in that environment. My understanding is that the best strategy is to exchange two or three e-mails with a person before meeting up for coffee or something else informal, which closely approximates more traditional methods of meeting up.

-- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous: I agree with the suggestion to meet early on in the process, but that doesn't really mitigate the problems I pointed out.

When you're online, you're meeting someone outside the societal vetting process, so your histories are obscured, and you're meeting with your motives out in the open.

Under older-fashioned conditions, it's the exact opposite: Your histories are wide open but your motives are obscured. I haven't seen anything to budge me from my belief that this stark reversal needs to be accompanied by a just-as-stark adjustment in participants' expectations.

Dear Carolyn: Online dating has some vetting built in. It requires steady Internet access and usually a credit card. And you can Google just about anyone these days. That is, if they haven't already posted info voluntarily on social networking sites.

What spectacular, trustworthy "societal vetting process" is going on at bars and the gym? Even accepting a blind date from a friend doesn't mean your friend vetted the person very well.

-- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous: Internet access and a credit card? Not exactly high bars for potential mates to clear.

I'm glad you brought up "bars and the gym" and blind dates. These represent the outer edge of "old-fashioned conditions." I meant meeting people through friends, at work or school, through common interests, daily life. That gives you an idea of someone's track record. Hardly foolproof, but useful.

But even, say, at the gym, you can pick up signs of preening or leering, rudeness to staff, bad situational manners, along with animal-

level information your senses pick up. Also not foolproof, but there's no denying its value. Not having these tools when you select someone is a dramatic departure from old-

school dating, and demands just as dramatic a departure in expectations.
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