Dating expert helps women break out of midlife shell

Flirting is hard.

Certainly, the act of batting an eyelash or two, giving a wink or smiling sweetly is not challenging, per se, but for any single woman without the genetic blessings of Christie Brinkley, channeling the necessary self-confidence can be.

Doing those things after a divorce, a bad breakup or just midlife can be even harder.
That's where Joann Cohen comes in.

For nearly a year, the 51-year-old Scottsdale woman has worked as a dating and relationship coach, helping professionals, typically ages 35-55, figure out how to flirt, date and feel confident.

When she was 45, Cohen divorced, left her job in human resources and reinvented herself, researching dating techniques. She got good at it and went pro, backing up intuition and expert advice with scientific studies.

It's why on a recent Friday night, she was standing next to a long table at Scottsdale's Tapino Kitchen & Wine Bar, passing out materials marked "Advanced Flirting" to 15 wine- and martini-sipping women who had come to her for advice.

The Wild Boomer Women, a social organization for 40- to 60-something women, booked Cohen to teach this class, followed by in-field flirting at nearby Eli's American Grille.

Some were freshly divorced, off the dating scene for nearly two decades; others were crippled by shyness; and others just felt unsexy, unconfident.

"This is not the Mystery Method," Cohen said, referring to the game-playing strategy popularized on the recent VH1 show The Pick-Up Artist.

The class

It was, instead, an hour and a half of dating tips, supported by scientific studies and empowering talk, with chances to practice sprinkled throughout. The women were well-dressed, with glossed lips and tasteful hair. They came to meet men. But they had notebooks and pens. They came to do it right.

Phoenix's Sue Barenholtz, 52, is the curvaceous, unofficial queen of the Wild Boomer Women. She had been married for nearly two decades and spoke for many in the class when she explained her flirting woes.

"I shrink up whenever I go to Eli's and no one ever notices me," Barenholtz said. "I want to go home as soon as I get there because I'm not flirting with anyone."

Julia French, 50, of Apache Junction, related a similar anxiety: "When there is a full room of people, I don't even want to cross into it."

Cohen said flirting could change all that.

"Women who display flirting behaviors are approached much more often than an attractive woman who doesn't flirt," Cohen said.

"I don't know if I can believe that," Barenholtz said.

But Cohen remained undaunted, pointing out that Barenholtz rarely attempts flirting. To remedy that, Cohen advises being universally charismatic, with both people you're interested in and people you're not.

"When you flirt with everyone, you look approachable, nice and you make other people feel special," she said.

A lawyer from Chandler, Janice Palmer, 56, said that after a few failed marriages, she wants to feel sexy again but has no idea how to dress.

So Cohen gave advice about what kind of clothes to buy, and even whom to shop with.

"A 20- or 30-something daughter will never give you good advice on clothes because they want you to dress like them," Cohen said.

Then it was time to practice. Cohen told the women that studies show women are "50 percent more attractive when they walk with a natural sway" in their hips.

"Also, stop telling yourself that you're not pretty enough or chesty enough," she said. "Replace those thoughts with 'I'm sexy and I'm sassy.' "

The women laughed and catcalled each other as they practiced their new walks, and some shot their waiter, Brandon, a flirty glance.

Then they practiced the classic "make eye contact, look away, look back and smile" routine, one of 52 techniques Cohen teaches. She told them about the "flirting triangle," where a woman looks into a man's eyes, looks down at his mouth, and back to his eyes during conversation.

"I can't believe that some of this stuff works," said Karen Kirby, 50, of Phoenix.

To prepare for Eli's, Cohen whipped out a layout of the bar and told them they were to work the room in groups of three without clustering.

"You will be the ones doing the approaching," Cohen said. "And don't just talk to one guy all night; really work the room and don't wait for them to ask you to dance. Ask them."

Some smiled nervously. Others dropped their jaws.

The challenge

At 9 p.m., the 15 women walked over to Eli's, and once inside, instantly clustered in the loud, crowded bar.

Divorced after 17 years of marriage, Beth Keller, 48, of Fountain Hills, has been single for a year and was nervous. She sat at the edge of the bar and looked down at her cocktail as though it might ask her to dance.

"I haven't really been out since I've been single," she said.

But others were bolder. The once-doubting Kirby strutted around the bar, swaying her hips purposefully.

French, who'd put on a jeweled crown as a flirting prop, smiled in all directions.

Finally, Keller inhaled deeply and approached a much younger man with a bald head and cute smile.

They talked for three songs, Keller channeling Cohen's advice, briefly touching his shoulder, smiling and maintaining eye contact.

Then she walked out to the dance floor and he followed.

By 9:45 p.m., nearly half of the women were on the dance floor with men.

The others chatted up men. Kirby gushed that she'd talked with two men already.

French sashayed nearby with a wide smile.

"I have been flirting with the youngest men tonight, and they are eating it up," she said. "I walked past a group of men, and when I looked back they were watching me. I have never had that happen and am honestly smiling from the inside out."
http://www.azcentral.com/arizonarepublic/arizonaliving/articles/2008/09/18/20080918flirting0906.html